the sinner in me
2009 Resolutions
Keep studying
Be a great boyfriend, and a good son
Be more all-rounded
Stop shrinking and start growing again
Be able to answer to myself
My Second Wind
I fear stagnation and lack of progress. I fear never reaching my potential and being average. I fear being forgotten. The past. Yesterday's news. I fear giving up and being passed by, going softly into that good night. I fear letting those I love down, letting myself down. I fear settling, giving in to the "that's just the way it is" mindset. I fear dying without leaving my mark. I fear not feeling these fears anymore and just floating along. These fears feed me, they nourish my drive.
I love my fear.
the things we get up to in jcrc is amazing. i was the only person available with more than a year on my license, and hence i was required to rent and drive a van on behalf of my biz mag to collect sponsored goods from suppliers. it was a nervous first few minutes with the van, not being able to get the gears to stick, and constantly over-revving the diesel engine.
the fallen saint left at 8:39 am
it sucks to wake up in the morning on a beautiful rainy day, only to see that i have a notification informing me of an ops manning scheduled for next year. thanks for the morning greeting, you fag-biting dicks.
the fallen saint left at 9:32 am
school's taking a toll on me. i'm stressed about things that don't interest me, simply because of all the pressure i put myself under.
the fallen saint left at 6:48 pm
first week of being in jcrc has presented some foreseeable challenges already. long meetings are the norm, as anyone will have known by now, and there's plenty of work to be done. why am i not surprised.
the fallen saint left at 6:39 pm
i was relieved to be confirmed as part of the 21st JCRC for my hall last night. although the post i was running for wasn't contested, i never wanted to fall into complacency, since votes were still important. many challenges will lie ahead of this undulating journey, but i'm sure it'll all be worthwhile, and i believe we have a capable executive committee to light the path ahead as well.
the fallen saint left at 8:04 am
i've never been this easily nervous in my life except for times when i thought i was going to get in serious trouble. i used to breeze through presentations and class discussions, easily confident of my capacity to manage wth anything thrown at me, but perhaps the setbacks that knocked me off in the recent past have dislodged my self-esteem.
the fallen saint left at 6:40 pm elections and mid-semester quizzes are approaching. thank you for throwing everything in at the same time.
the fallen saint left at 2:15 am
i think i really need to compartmentalize my life from now on. my inability to focus on a particular event or activity for a sustained period is costing me far too much. i've never really been a fan of systematic organization and such because i always felt it made life too mechanical and boring, but i think now i may have to eat my own words and admit that, if it gets the job done, and if i can't beat the system with my own way of working, then i may just have to get on board that same bandwagon.
the fallen saint left at 5:25 pm
Saturday, September 29, 2007
an aching left leg
it also trained me in tolerance too. it wasn't easy swallowing my pride when everyone else was overtaking me, though towards the end i didn't give a hoot and just floored it and went at 90 for a fair bit - that probably explained how the fuel tank got depleted so quickly too.
having woke up after an entire afternoon of driving, my left leg is feeling quite sore. yes, it was because of the clutch. but no, i still stand by manual transmissions. i love the driver engagement, so kelvin, i'm sorry, but in future if we get about to that ferrari-and-lamborghini-each dream, i'm getting myself a manual, so you better go practice on something else first, haha. oh and we drove past the lamborghini showroom too. damn sweet.
one thing to remember if i ever do rent a vehicle again next time, is to check that the fucking horn is working. there was a vios that nearly reversed into me at a traffic junction, and when i tried to honk him, i realised to my horror that the horn was useless. and my parents can both attest to the fact that i have a strong inclination toward honking people; it's the closest i can get to telling them they are pricks and should sod off from the road, without being charged for abusive gestures or behaviour.
Thursday, September 27, 2007
i hate you army
Tuesday, September 25, 2007
hesitations
at this level i still feel a lot of things that i'm required to study are irrelevant. i hate stats. and human resource, though extremely intuitive and common-sensical, isn't quite my cup of tea. there was an article in Today on saturday, devoted to the current trend of big-moneymakers not requiring an MBA, so long as they are competent and competitive enough. this is, of course, referring to the trading industry.
it makes me wonder sometimes what on earth i'm still wasting my time here for. then again, i don't want to find out if my parents have a weak heart. three years and some morons to get through.
advertising is what i'm naturally inclined toward, but trading is where the money's at.
sigh.
Saturday, September 15, 2007
week in review
two presentations and a quiz summed up the school week. it's still some way to go and i hope during this period i'll be able to catch up on stats tutorials - they're the devil in numerical form, i swear.
went to the airport with pris last night to send kelvin off. bugger's going to UCL to study and hopefully get a job there as a trader. i wish him all the best, and if the man up there is kind enough, maybe he and i could end up working together somehow or another. this fellow is easily my best buddy despite only having known him for such a relatively short period of time. he understands i'm not the bastard that some people make me out to be, and he accepts me as a true, loyal friend will. it's going to be a boring time when he's away, but i'll look forward to summer next year when i send him my shopping list just before he flies back (:
woke up this morning and zipped down to champz for pool selection trials. this time i played slightly better than the initial try-outs and i'm now in the training team for good. hopefully i'll pick up new things along the way until next year's tournament selection and i hope to represent the school in the ivp competitions.
kelvin, when you see this, i hope your arse didn't get frostbite when you landed in heathrow.
Saturday, September 08, 2007
hooray
Wednesday, September 05, 2007
frayed
now, i feel cold, edgy, nervous and i stammer slightly when i'm under pressure. it's a new feeling and i desperately need to get rid of this monkey from my back before it gets me.
no hesitation, no regret. i must be brave.
when the shit hits the fan
i'm not sure of what to expect of tomorrow evening's rally. it probably won't be easy, but well, life never was.
Sunday, September 02, 2007
groans
self-defeat never came in a more bitter form.